Should women ask men out?

Oh, well, we all know there are a whole lot of rules around this and since I don’t know them all, apart from what I’ve read in chicklit novels, I am not best placed to know what they are, but I’d hazard a guess that they say no, don’t do it! But I think times are a-changing and although I am in a long-term relationship and have very little experience in the 21st century, I do think the young women of today are more forward.

I also think there are big differences depending on which side of the pond you are on. In the UK women I know (and certainly my age – 41) tend not to ask men out, whereas I get the impression that younger women in both countries and women in the US in general can get away with it, or am I wrong? I do realise, having watched various US sitcoms and dramas over the years, that the chances of finding a decent man who isn’t already taken in NYC are slimmer than winning the lottery, but are women ditching The Rules or are they still playing by them?

Let’s face it, men can be dim (equally so can women – I’m just saying that so I don’t offend half of the population!) They might not realise you are interested in them and the fact they haven’t made a move doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t like you or think you’re pretty, but might be because they simply can’t see the wood for the trees.

Whilst I am not an advocate of following any strictly prescribed way of dating/approaching the opposite sex, I do believe there should be an element of ‘keeping them guessing’, particularly at the beginning. But does that mean we girls can’t do the asking out? I don’t think so. If you have the courage to do so, it’s actually easier for a girl to ask and harder for a guy to say no (unless he’s already in a relationship or gay!)

Plus, why should men have control over your destiny?!

I’ve thought back to my past relationships and skirmishes(!) and of who did the asking. To be honest, it has been about 50/50 and I am well aware that if I hadn’t shown my Other Half that I was interested, he would probably have remained oblivious of the fact. Don’t get me wrong. After that initial signal, I left it to him, but I didn’t even have to wait 24 hours for his call.

But what about having to do all the work yourself, either because there are complications, a lack of information or because the guy simply hasn’t noticed you? Well, the simple fact is if you’ve already put yourself in situations where you can bump into each other (whether it’s using the same coffee shop, supermarket, gym, bar, etc)  and that hasn’t borne fruit, you have to weigh up whether you would be more miserable if he continued to be unaware of your existence and nothing ever happened between you, or you asked him out and he said no.  But what if he says yes?

Make sure they know you are available. I really liked a guy once, and was around him in a peripheral way for months and he seemed to like me, but I couldn’t be sure. Eventually I asked him out, as a thank you for something – I did this by phone, which seemed less scary!  He thought I was still in a relationship which had ended a year previously, so, you see, you can’t assume men always have the facts. Sometimes it pays to act.

I have in my head that it would be easier for New Yorkers to ask men out.  Maybe that’s because there  are reportedly so few decent available men, that they have to seize every opportunity. I envisage a woman walking past a man seated in a coffee shop, placing a piece of paper with her number on it on his table and saying, ‘Perhaps we could go out some time,’ before she waltzes off.

The reality in Scotland is you would agonise over every word before approaching the guy. You might only have to utter a few sentences, but you would edit them to perfection. You might even try to do it a few times, before being able to go through with it.  I think the point is as adults, it’s no longer cool to have your friend ask his friend if he’s interested – as you would have done back in high school, so since that’s not an option, if you really like him, you might have to take the initiative.

But if you know there’s simply no way you could ever ask a guy out, I’m told the secret is to look approachable. If you have a standoffish demeanour with ‘Don’t even think about it’ tattooed across your forehead and your smile is verging on a snarl, men will stay away, as they are too frightened to ask you out. So what do you do then? You might not actually be a growling bear, you might be very shy, or following The Rules and trying to appear mysterious and aloof and actually being too damned scary for men to bother with you.

I had a rule of my own, though. If a guy didn’t call within 3 days – after a date – he was history!  I wonder how that gels with the official The Rules…

So what’s your take, should women feel empowered to ask men out?

Susan Buchanan lives in Central Scotland with her partner, Tony and baby daughter, Antonia. She is the author of three novels in the contemporary fiction and chicklit genres: Sign of the Times, The Dating Game and The Christmas Spirit. Her fourth novel, What If, is expected to be released summer 2014.

Here is Susan talking about The Dating Game

The idea for The Dating Game came from a friend who had joined a dating agency for professional people in Glasgow. Although none of the escapades or experiences Gill has in The Dating Game are those my friend had, the seed was sown! How does a busy, career-oriented woman in her late thirties, find a guy, and not only a guy, but the right guy? I wanted the relationships she had had and the dates she would have, to be as realistic as possible. As I love travelling, I always incorporate at least one foreign country into my books. You’ll have to read The Dating Game to find out where it is!

Buy The Dating Game, here –  Amazon (UK), Amazon (US)

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