I’m in the theatre, watching “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.”  It’s very near the end of the film.  Daniel Craig is creeping around inside Martin Vanger’s empty, darkened house.  The tension mounts as headlights sweep across the front of the house, announcing that Martin has returned home.

I grip the arms of my seat.  Careful, Daniel (SPOILER ALERT), Martin the Murderous Freak is now inside the house!  Look out…

Suddenly “Baby Got Back” blares out into the darkness next to me.  “Sorry,” the guy beside me mutters, and silences Sir Mix-a-Lot. “I’ll call you back,” he hisses into the phone.

No, really – go ahead and have your conversation.  None of the rest of us sitting in this theatre will mind in the slightest.

I wonder – what would Lisbeth Salander do in such a situation?  I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure her soloution would involve carabiners, a harness, electrical tape, and a gag.

It’s not like these movie-goers aren’t asked (politely) at the start of the film to please turn off their cell phones.  They are.  They just don’t.  Because they’re Much Too Important to be disconnected from the world for a couple of hours.

I’m sorry, but unless you’re Barack Obama and you’re expecting a call from Bashar al-Assad?  Turn. Off. Your. Phone.

Oh, and to those of you texting, Tweeting, and FaceBooking during the film?  You’re not off the hook, either.  The bright glare of your text screens and the clicking of your keypads – virtual or otherwise – is just as annoying as listening to Ms.’You-won’t-BELIEVE-what-I-just-paid-for-a-box-of-JuJubes’ sitting behind me.

Just stop, please.  FaceBook – and Twitter – will survive very nicely without your Tweets, posts, and “likes” for the duration of one movie.  Really.

And as for the people who walk down the street or wander the aisles of a store, gesturing wildly and talking out loud to themselves – I used to give them a wide berth and eye them with a mixture of caution and pity.  I assumed they were off their meds, poor things.

Now I know they’re not mentally ill.  They’re using their Bluetooth hands-free headset.

Don’t get me wrong.  A Bluetooth is an absolute necessity if you’re in a car and driving safely is an issue.  But if you’re in line behind me at the local CVS, I really don’t want to hear about the tube of Vagisil in your cart or why you need it.

I just want to buy my copy of Elle and a pack of Rolos, thank you very much.

So please, please don’t force me to overhear things I don’t want to hear, and don’t prattle on in a loud voice about things that would make even a gynecologist blush…

… or else I might just go all Lisbeth Salander on you.