I don’t know about anyone else, but when someone nudges me and says, “Can I be honest with you?” I want to shout, “No!  Please don’t!”

Because I know that what follows will be (1) an insult or (2) a bit of condescending advice disguised in a cloyingly-sweet sauce of insincerity.

“Can I be honest with you?” my co-worker coos.  “Those trousers don’t do you justice, sweetie.  You should really try straight-legs.  They’re very slimming, you know.” 

So you think my ass is bigger than Beth Ditto’s and I don’t know how to dress properly?  Good to know.  Thank you for your honesty.

“Can I be honest with you?” a friend confides.  “No one’s wearing green eye shadow these days.”

No one but drag queens, transvestites, and myself, apparently.  Again – honesty much appreciated.  Really.

“Can I be honest with you?”  a co-worker whispers sympathetically as she draws me aside at a pot-luck luncheon.  “I don’t think your spinach lasagne went over very well.”

No?  Hmm.  I think perhaps it’ll go over very well, indeed – all over your head… and all over your slim, straight-trousered ass.  Facist cow.

The only questions worse than “Can I be honest?” are the open-ended, sneaky ones – for example, “Can you do me a favor?” or “So… what are you doing tomorrow night?”  Either question is always asked in an offhand, couldn’t-matter-less tone of voice.

If you’re asked either of these questions, be warned:  you’re screwed.

If you say ‘no, I can’t do you a favor,’ you’re a selfish bitch.  If you say ‘I’m busy,’ you’re a selfish bitch.  If you say ‘I might possibly be able to do you a favor’ or ‘I might possibly be available tomorrow night,’ you’ve just agreed to babysit five toddlers/take granny to the airport during Friday rush hour/do the school run for the next three weeks.

Now… can I be honest?  I’d love to do you that favor, really I would – but I’ll be terribly busy making my spinach lasagne tomorrow night.  So I can’t possibly take your granny to the airport at rush hour.

So sorry.