Since top ten lists are popular these days, I thought I’d take a stab at writing my own – about writers. (What else?) Whatever you think you know about us writers may (or may not) actually be true.
Here goes:
10. Romance writers write sex scenes, so they’re always up for it.
While this sounds logical and reasonable, the truth is, writing 5,000 words a day – even if 1,850 of them are racy, or even x-rated – just makes me tired. At the end of the day, I’d rather watch Wheel of Fortune and go to bed. Alone. And sleep.
9. Writers must wait for inspiration to hit them before beginning to write.
If this were true? I wouldn’t be published. I’d still be sitting at my desk with a blank spiral notebook and a pen in front of me, waiting.
8. Writers are deeply cerebral creatures.
We have our moments. But mostly, our brains need a rest after all that writing and plotting and researching, which means doing mindless things like staring into space, straightening out the silverware drawer, folding and stacking washcloths in the linen closet, or watching The Donut Showdown.
7. Writers are sartorially challenged.
We see nothing wrong with wearing the same pair of jeans two days in a row (unless we get careless with the spaghetti sauce or red wine) and see no reason to (a) dress up or (b) wear shoes if we’re only going to be seen by the mailman or the UPS guy on any given day. My outfit of choice? Jeans, t-shirt, flip flops. In winter, the same, subtract flip flops, add socks. Done.
6. Some writers, on the other hand, are cutting-edge trendsetters.
Tom Wolfe is as famous for his dapper white suits and two-toned shoes as he is for ‘The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test’ and ‘Bonfire of the Vanities.’ Graham Greene and Paul Bowles sported Savile Row suits, ascots, and John Lobb shoes, while F. Scott Fitzgerald liked to pair his Brooks Brothers suits with a golfing cap and two-tone shoes. (Stylish writers sure do like those two-toned shoes.)
5. Writers are not good housekeepers.
We can invent cool plot twists; create characters out of thin air; write pages of realistic dialogue, and make up entire worlds; but when it comes to vacuuming cobwebs out of the corners or scrubbing a baseboard? Forget it. We’ve got to get another thousand words down on the page first. Compared to writing that sizzling love scene between the two main characters, well… Cleaning the toilets can wait.
4. Writers do not handle computer, printer, or technical malfunctions well.
This is particularly true if we’re on a tight deadline.
3. Writers are not good listeners.
Why? Because we are often preoccupied with our deeply cerebral thoughts (see #8), i.e., how to kill off a character in an inventive, gruesome way, or whether to name the heroine’s sister Daphne or Donna. Or whether the heroine really even needs a sister.
I’m sorry – did you say something?
2. Writers find it hard to read for enjoyment.
We’re too busy identifying the foreshadowing, deconstructing parallel plots, and analyzing characterization and conflict to just relax and go with the flow. The same applies to watching a movie or an episode of CSI.
And…(drum roll, please) the number one truth about writers?
1. We really do love those happy endings.
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