Ah, fashion magazines. How do I love them? Let me count the ways…
I love them for their glossy pages, full of breathtaking, artfully-styled clothes. I love them for the shoes. Kurt Geiger… Louboutin… Prada… And the handbags. Oh, yes, the handbags…
Mulberry and Chanel and Vuitton, oh my!
What I don’t love so much, however, are those “dress to flatter your shape” tips routinely featured in women’s mags. Females are usually slotted into one of four basic shape categories: Apple, Pear, Curvy, or Boyish. Translated, this means:
Apple – Fat, with a Big Tummy;
Pear – Fat, with Hips and Ass;
Curvy – Just Plain Fat (because let’s face it, you’re NOT a size 2 and never will be); and
Boyish – Severely Emaciated (and flatter than a York Peppermint Pattie).
So basically, if you weigh more than a pack of gum, you’re fat, fat, fat!
But that’s okay. You can cleverly disguise your avoirdupois (like pot au feu, “fat” sounds ever so much better in French) with a few simple fashion tricks like these:
Tip: Wear a long, lean cardigan to skim over your trouble spots.
Reality: The cardigan rides up the shelf of your ass and your tummy still thrusts out in front like the prow of the Titanic.
Tip: Wear a scoop-necked dress to distract attention from a thick middle.
Reality: Who the hell’s looking at your waist when your boobs are hanging out?
(Actually, this is a really useful tip, now that I think about it. Boobs can take attention away from pretty much any problem area. Or any problem.)
Tip: Shun clingy fabrics and opt instead for crisp cotton or figure-skimming wovens.
Reality: Look! The circus is in town! And you, girlfriend, are the Big Top!
Oh, well… I guess that’s why I love handbags and shoes so much. My feet are small and my arms are slim, so anything goes. Besides, everyone knows that high heels elongate the legs and make anyone look instantly slimmer.
And if that doesn’t work, a strategically placed handbag can do wonders to hide a problem tummy.